I would like you to build a routine of reconnecting. A routine that builds intimacy and connections. What we do nowadays in this busy world of ours -at least those of us living in the 9 to 5 and in suburbia- is really frightening in terms of intimacy. We spend our work days dealing with strangers, dealing with stressors. Then we come home, we plop ourselves in front of the TV. We will watch stressful events on the news. Then we sit down for dinner. We have a quick dinner and then back to the TV. Then after this we expect that there might be some intimacy in bed. We expect there might be some romance in bed.
What I’m saying is that it is very difficult and really improbable. There is no build up and it’s just forced, awkward and on top of that it’s at a time when you both are tired and sleepy and waning your energy of the day. What I want you to do is build a different
routine. When you come in the house, either before dinner or after dinner, take some time and reconnect. This could be both of you drinking a cup of coffee and sitting in the patio and both of you talking about things more profound, instead of gossip, more than events of the day. You can talk of hopes and dreams, those things which you might build together. You might want to go for a walk. It’s great if you have a dog, it will force you. Don’t send your husband out for the dog walking, don’t go by yourself, go together and take a walk around the neighborhood.
Talk about things. Reconnect as a couple. Take the time to connect as a couple a little bit each day. Decompress and reconnect as a couple. That routine will do wonders for two hours later or at the end of the day, when the opportunity for romance arises in the congeal bed together and the possilibty for intimacy happens. You are now both ?? Into liking the other person because you have spent those few minutes reconnecting. You remember why you like this person. So intimacy flows so much easier, nurtured by that kind of reconnect.
When you come to the bed, don’t lose yourself in David Letterman, or in the book you are reading. Make time for the other person. Now you might have appointed days where you bring romance to your life or you might just have it happen spontaneously, the point is, give it the opportunity to flourish, to emerge. Because if your routines are set up in such a way as to kill intimacy then don’t blame the other person or yourself for the fact that you never have sex. Don’t blame yourself for the fact that it never happens, that there is no intimacy or that the other person is not adventurous. There needs to be a wrap up and buildup of intimacy and co work and trust for this to happen. We do not know the routines for this; we don’t have the processes for this. We do not reconnect. Then?? What happens.
What I’m asking you to do is build this routine, build these thirty minutes together. Don’t worry about the news. The news will keep. You can’t do anything about the plan crash in Bangladesh or about the stock market crashing in Shanghai. What you can do something about is your spouse, you relationship, so that’s good news for the day. Focus on that. Spend thirty minutes with your spouse, reconnecting with your loved one. That’s what is important. So build that routine. That’s my advice for today. We’ll see you next time.