Sometimes you feel jealous. I understand that – it’s understandable. But there’s a problem with jealousy – actually there are four problems with jealousy. I don’t know if you realize the things that you set in motion when you act out your jealousy. The first one is do you realize how insulting it is to your partner when you doubt them, when you disbelieve them, when you accuse them of things you haven’t done? If they are being faithful and true to you and if they’re being loyal to you, do you realize what harm you’re doing to that person and what harm you’re doing to that relationship by giving them such a grievous insult? So that’s one thing I want you to consider. If they’re telling the truth you’re insulting them.
The second reason I want you to think about, the second problem with jealousy is that it indicates a lack of self-confidence on your part. You’re screaming a lack of self-confidence. You’re not sure your man is being true to you? You’re not sure that your girl is being faithful to you? What’s wrong with you? What is it about your lack of value that you’re advertising? Do you see what I mean? You are constantly presenting to your mate ‘this is who I am and this is who I want you think of me as being’. When you’re being jealous you’re constantly promoting to that person, ‘I am a person of low value’. So that’s a big problem with jealousy.
There is a third problem with jealousy and that’s the fact that you’re instilling the idea in a person’s mind of the possibility of cheating. You know the sign that says ‘Do not step on the grass,’ that immediately wants you to go step on it? I have made a previous video that says ‘Do not ask for that which you do not want’. When you scream out jealousy you’re basically constantly asking for something that you don’t want. You’re asking for the idea to be creeping into that person’s mind. That’s something that you don’t want to do.
The last thing which is probably the biggest problem with jealousy of them all is the fact that you’re imbuing the relationship with doubt. You’re imbuing the relationship with a sense of ‘what if we weren’t together?’, ‘what if you weren’t being truthful to me?’, ‘what if I didn’t believe you? ‘, ‘what if we didn’t have the bond that you think we had?’, and ‘what if we were two individuals lying to each other?’
Now there is a possibility that your partner is lying to you and there is a possibility that your partner is cheating on you. There’s always the possibility people are layers on layers of intimacy and you never know how far into those layers you’ve gotten. But let’s assume for a moment that you picked wisely, let’s assume you have a person of character with you, let’s assume that the person loves you, let’s assume that you’ve worked on building a relationship, and let’s assume that person has invested a good amount of time and effort, and emotion into being with you. Let’s suppose that person’s been faithful to you and now the jealousy might kill that so there’s a big problem with jealousy. Here’s the thing, let’s assume for a minute that person is cheating on you, jealousy’s not going to accomplish anything. Do you see what I mean?
What you need to do is you need to start out by establishing clear policies of what’s acceptable behavior and what isn’t. No ambiguity: is it okay to sleep with somebody else? Are you guys exclusive? Are you guys monogamous? What are the standards that are driving this relationship? Make that very clear and then just create the setting where telling the truth is the norm. Create a setting where telling the truth is safe and we’re confiding on each other. What’s really going on in your hearts is something that comes naturally.
If you create that setting and create that sense of trust and intimacy then there’ s absolutely no need for cheating and there’s absolutely no need for jealousy or anything like that. But if you’re feeling jealous it’s an indication that you don’t have that bond, you don’t have that connection, and you don’t have that intimacy where you can comfortably say for sure that you guys are trusting and that you guys are confiding in each other. That’s something that we could examine because it’s nothing to do with cheating; it’s to do with what have you guys built together so that’s what you need to look at.